Capture this while it is fresh

I’ll try to keep this short.  It has to do with unresolved emotional pain from my youth.

Wife had her class reunion a few weeks ago.  (Mine was last year, I didn’t go.)

A friend of ours (Marilyn) just attended her 50th high school class reunion on the west coast.  She was really looking forward to it….

So I’ve been thinking about it again… (the why I have absolutely no desire to go, in fact, just the opposite.

I  am not alone.

Growing up, I had a nasty case of low self-esteem.   Crippling shyness.  I’ve written about it here before..won’t unpack all of the why’s again, except for a few details.

As a young man, I did not hit puberty until my senior year of high school.  That is huge if you’re a guy, and one of the primary measurements of society is the physical….

So there I was this small, physically undeveloped  book loving twerp, with a musical bent, who loathed his body.  My ears were too big (I thought at the time) and I hated my name. Mandatory showers in gym were hell.

Fear,  fear of being shoved out of the locker room into the gym with my pants down… self loathing, low self worth….

And I wonder why I don’t have good feelings about those years?  Yea, right….

Looking back,  If I had matured earlier and felt cool and accepted, there is no doubt in my mind I would have been sucked into a lot of things I would now regret…so the very things I hated at the time, were a blessing in disguise.

 

Well, yesterday I had a lot of windshield time on my hands, and I was praying, asking God to touch  those 40 yr old wounds, if he would….

and out of nowhere, the thought came to my head….Remember the story of the ugly duckling….

(You remember that story don’t you?)  Baby swan  gets dropped in with a flock of baby ducks…he doesn’t fit in.  He is clumsily, body  out of proportion compared to his peers…they made fun of him.

Sort of like me back in the day.

You are a swan. 

 

A black swan. 

(These were random thoughts coming to my mind.)

So I have been thinking about that story ever since.

So, way down in the depths of my heart, in those pockets and recesses even I don’t have access to, a little more  of the pain has been released.

Don’t doubt me.

Black swan photo, compliments of google

_________________________________________

I am convinced 95% of us have unresolved emotional pain….and if you’re anything like me, it just stays buried, lodged in there, until some catalyst comes along to bring it to my consciousness…and then I have a choice…stuff it back down/ block it out/ or bring the nasty, pussy, infected crap, into the light.  Put it on the operating table.  Flush  out the wound, pull out the embedded sliver. Write about it.  Tell someone….Do whatever it takes so that it no longer  has as much power over me

That is just me.

That is just how I roll.

Later! DM

 

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Capture this while it is fresh

  1. Love this one Doug! Black swan. A beautiful black swan. Believing who the Lord says we are is the beginning of freedom from the past, and even the present. Happy Friday friend! Say hello to Mrs DM. 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    • thanks Michelle. I will pass your greeting on. Walk on. (we’ve continued to watch those period history stories and whenever the person wants the horse to start again that is what they say. “Walk on” thought it was fitting for you an Uber walker. 😉 DM

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the affirmation(s) Patricia. I saw you reblogged it. That is the ultimate compliment for a blogger 🙂 have a good weekend. DM

      Like

  2. Love this post, to which I relate. Lately I have been reading books about getting rid of chronic pain–the conclusion of the books is to unearth emotional pain. I thought I had done a good job, but as I take stock, I continue to find more. It is not fun or easy but the key to leading a happier life, I think.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It absolutely makes for a happier life (words like freedom, peace, enjoyment come to mind) I never realized how much a negative self image was casting a shadow over my life until it started to lift. Always good to hear from you Martha!
      PS, Mrs DM told me to ask you if you’ve heard of an author by the name of Nicole Sachs? she’s written books on this very topic…(the link between physical pain and emotional pain) Here’s a link to a Youtube presentation by her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eHKbhhBxvs

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  3. I know where you’re coming from, Doug. I was chubby and a different religion than most of the other kids in that rural county school. I went the first two years to a Catholic girl’s high school in the city so didn’t fit in. I finally lost weight my Senior year but it was too late. I didn’t go to either of the proms. I’ve never gone to a reunion. The rest of the class was clicky also. I haven’t kept in contact with any of them. I taught with the mother-in-law of one of the girls and told her those kids were prejudice. What could she say? She must have known how they were. Good post. —- Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Suzanne for taking the time to leave a comment, When over 50% of the kids in both my class (and my wife’s class) never come to these reunions I guarantee you, you and I are not the only two who can relate to these stories. DM

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  4. It wasn’t that I didn’t fit in, in high school – I just had no desire to fit in. I was living on my own, had a job that paid the rent….in short I had a life of my own. I’ve never attended a reunion – nor do I wish to. I thought it ‘typical’ of the situation when on the 20th reunion – I was listed as someone they couldn’t ‘find’. This despite the fact that I still lived in the same small city, had never moved, and owned a busy automotive shop 😂
    My one good friend from school – flew across the country to attend – went the first night but not the second – as she put it “they’re all as clique as they were 20 years ago”. She was disappointed. I wonder what it is that even as adults – makes one feel as though we still need approval or acceptance from those we attended classes with?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now that is a great question. What is the deal? It is like a bad habit (a need for approval or acceptance) from anyone for that matter. I think you need to write a blog post about it 🙂 Good to hear from you Val. DM

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think those who finally go to a reunion think the people they knew as high school students must have grown up and changed by then. It’s probably a disappointment to find they’re still the same. Many who attend also probably revert back to their high school selves when they get together in their cliques again. I think many people can put on a grown-up facade but haven’t really changed. —- Suzanne

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I never had any confidence as a kid, and always grew up in my sister’s shadow. I never doubted Mum and Dad loved me, but I was the one always sitting on the sidelines watching, not taking part. Emotional pain got buried, I learned to hide it by acting the fool, getting the self jokes in before anyone esle did, especially weight related. Few people know the real me. Hubby has got closer than anyone apart from Bro who is in NZ. Naturally I have failings as much as the next person, but I have a conscience and I care a lot about people I love. I may be judged by what others say about me, but inside this tatty book cover, I think there’s a good read.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Love the black swan analogy ~ I got through H.S. and never went back to any reunion – no desire to. Zip. Nada. None. I keep in touch (via FB) with a few kids from elementary school but that’s it — It wasn’t a tortuous time for me, thankfully, but it was dreadfully long and I knew, at a young age, I was meant to do other things away from them. And I did.

    Cheers!
    MJ

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Awkward in company, preferring my own company when young and into my teens, I spent many hours as a loner in the field (literally) rough camping.
    My preferred company was who we call tramps, the gentlemen of the road (aka hobo’s) and poachers who I found had an affinity with me and my chosen path.
    They also taught me so much about their trade craft I’d use in later life.
    The wisdom of elders.

    Then I had ‘that light bulb’ moment about social events and interaction.
    If someone didn’t like me I reckoned it was their loss not mine.
    From then on my attitude changed.
    Not radically but enough for me to get by and be comfortable in life.
    Certainly not to black swan level think more like a scraggy sparrow. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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