I’ll try to keep this short. It has to do with unresolved emotional pain from my youth.
Wife had her class reunion a few weeks ago. (Mine was last year, I didn’t go.)
A friend of ours (Marilyn) just attended her 50th high school class reunion on the west coast. She was really looking forward to it….
So I’ve been thinking about it again… (the why I have absolutely no desire to go, in fact, just the opposite.
I am not alone.
Growing up, I had a nasty case of low self-esteem. Crippling shyness. I’ve written about it here before..won’t unpack all of the why’s again, except for a few details.
As a young man, I did not hit puberty until my senior year of high school. That is huge if you’re a guy, and one of the primary measurements of society is the physical….
So there I was this small, physically undeveloped book loving twerp, with a musical bent, who loathed his body. My ears were too big (I thought at the time) and I hated my name. Mandatory showers in gym were hell.
Fear, fear of being shoved out of the locker room into the gym with my pants down… self loathing, low self worth….
And I wonder why I don’t have good feelings about those years? Yea, right….
Looking back, If I had matured earlier and felt cool and accepted, there is no doubt in my mind I would have been sucked into a lot of things I would now regret…so the very things I hated at the time, were a blessing in disguise.
Well, yesterday I had a lot of windshield time on my hands, and I was praying, asking God to touch those 40 yr old wounds, if he would….
and out of nowhere, the thought came to my head….Remember the story of the ugly duckling….
(You remember that story don’t you?) Baby swan gets dropped in with a flock of baby ducks…he doesn’t fit in. He is clumsily, body out of proportion compared to his peers…they made fun of him.
Sort of like me back in the day.
You are a swan.
A black swan.
(These were random thoughts coming to my mind.)
So I have been thinking about that story ever since.
So, way down in the depths of my heart, in those pockets and recesses even I don’t have access to, a little more of the pain has been released.
Don’t doubt me.
Black swan photo, compliments of google
I am convinced 95% of us have unresolved emotional pain….and if you’re anything like me, it just stays buried, lodged in there, until some catalyst comes along to bring it to my consciousness…and then I have a choice…stuff it back down/ block it out/ or bring the nasty, pussy, infected crap, into the light. Put it on the operating table. Flush out the wound, pull out the embedded sliver. Write about it. Tell someone….Do whatever it takes so that it no longer has as much power over me
That is just me.
That is just how I roll.