Schools Of Thought

“Well, I want it done right!”  Dave told me yesterday. He sounded a little exasperated   We were talking about how to proceed with tiling his shower.

I told him at the beginning of his project, I have done four tiling projects so far.  If I didn’t know something I would not fake it.  I do know who to ask most times if I have a question. Tiling is not rocket science, although there is more than one way to do things.

Yesterday, the plumber on the job, (who has also tiled),  made some suggestions I had never heard of before on how to fabricate the shower base from scratch.  Talk to three tilers and you’ll probably get three different  approaches.

Same goes with bee keeping. It is not an exact science.  We have a local  husband and wife  who both wanted to be bee keepers. Both wanting to do things right, had strong (different) opinions on what that looked like.   They decided each needed their own hives to manage.  End of conflict.

Side note…we opened our  hive last Sunday.  There were (9) new queen cells forming….

Talk to three different bee keepers and you will probably hear three different approaches to what to do next…..

When I took some classes years ago, called Introduction to Theology, I had a teacher that I really liked.   I remember covering the topic of  end times.  The technical term is Eschatology.  I found out there were at least (3) major schools of thought, with subsets even within that.  We covered all three, thoroughly. At some point, the teacher shared with us where he was at in his understanding and why, but  it never felt like he was  trying to manipulate me to get me to a certain understanding.

I appreciate intellectual integrity, and don’t respond well to manipulation, lying or snark.

I have a strong independent streak. (Just ask my wife) 🙂

I use the same approach when it comes to politics,  social issues and life in general.  I used to meet with a friend on a regular basis over coffee to talk about local history.  Sometimes our conversations would drift  into  politics and current events.  We were polar opposites in some respects, (He was an anarchists I am not. 🙂  He served on the board  of the ACLU/ absolutely hated Christians, organized religion, had served a tour of duty in Vietnam,  which left him with another whole set of issues, I did not.  But… we shared a love of local history,  both grew up on a farm, and worked real hard at showing each other respect when we talked.

I had (and still have) a genuine intellectual curiosity, to try to understand why and how he was coming to some of his conclusions.    I had (and have) absolutely zero interest in getting into a pissing match conflict with someone about some issue.  It is hard enough to get along and communicate effectively in the context of a healthy marriage…why in the world would I go looking to take a spin on the crazy cycle with the rest of the world…it ain’t going to happen.

Crazy cycle: a word picture for getting into a fight where you just go round and round and nothing is resolved.

I have been privy to two absolutely crazy relationships lately where one of the parties had zero concept on how to work through a difference of opinion.  I’ve seen and heard things said that should never be said between two people….It made my gut turn.

Second year  we were married, we went to a marriage workshop.   One of the topics was how to have a good fight.  Don’t you just love that title! 🙂

Conflict in and of itself is not always bad.

It is possible to express anger in a healthy way.  It does not have to be destructive.

When seeking to resolve a conflict…try to stay on topic.  If the issue is conflict about money, then don’t go off on bunny trails about other unresolved issues.

Schedule a time when you can talk ..ie.  Wife and I have found, Saturday morning is a lot better time than right before bed to talk about money problems.

Don’t garbage dump, get historical, or hit below the belt (name calling, bringing up old wounds, etc.)

Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements…better to say, “I am angry because”, rather than, “You make me angry….”

So much of communication is nonverbal…ie. eye contact, tone of voice, etc. Don’t get into a conflict over the phone, via the internet, letter, etc. It is hard enough to really hear what the other person is saying in person.

Any other thoughts on conflict, difference of opinions, etc?  I really appreciate those of you that take the time to read these ramblings.

Later! DM

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Schools Of Thought

  1. My Dad always encouraged anyone who tried when it came to DIY. With Hubby and ‘Little Bedrock’, a back step we had to put in when we fitted a new back door not realising the drop to the drive was so deep, Dad said ‘Well, I wouldn’t have done it quite that way myself, but it works!’ Oh, how I miss him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not going to tread into this post DM. This one touches on the backbone of my current situation, and while I know what SHOULD have been done for 34+ years, as well as what wasn’t done, my focus now is just being done…period. I do however, agree with all those great points that you listed.

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  3. If I had another shower to do, I’d do it just the way I did my first and only one. Shower base from scratch, and use schluter kerdi for the membrane all the way to the ceiling. And I agree, I say “I” statements when arguing, and try to keep my cool. That’s the only way I can remember all the points I’m mad about… 😉

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  4. Neither hubby nor I are interested in conflict – it’s pointless in the grand scheme of things. The rare occasion we have an ‘issue’ with each other – my protocol is to keep my mouth shut for one week about it. By then I’ve had time to think about it and narrow it down to the exact beef I have – if in fact I still have one after a week. Hubby – his policy is ‘tomorrow is another day’ – meaning forget it and carry on. Different approaches – generally the same result. 😊

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  5. I am so high maintenance when it comes to communicating differences. I’m sensitive to nonverbal cues that belie the words being spoken ; eye rolling, a droll tone…
    I struggle to stay connected when that is happening.

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  6. You are so right about Saturday morning being a better time than late at night! (for talks about anything sensitive at all!) We do breakfast at the local diner when discussions need to happen.

    I think my number one rule would be: the “talking it out” part only works under reasonably optimal conditions. Nobody is too tired, hungry, or stressed. There is some degree of privacy.

    Sometimes the harsh words have to be said, or just ARE said (often because someone WAS tired, hungry, or stressed)…but the discussing/negotiations need to be done at another time, and taken seriously… and can only happen under decent conditions.

    We have been fighting a lot more recently. I will say it here, not anywhere else– I am going nuts living with his grown daughter (my step-daughter) who is not a bad person at all, but who really, really, needs her own happy home– a husband, kids, her own kitchen, her own ability to run a household. I suspect that a LOT of our problems at this point come down to situational difficulties– mostly, two grown women with completely differing understandings of EVERYTHING living under one roof. She is nearly 30 so I simply cannot treat her like a “kid,” — whatever my feelings, that is not cool– but living with another grown adult whose beliefs are about 180 degrees apart from mine? Well. Well. What else can I say. Well.

    Anyway.. that is all to say, maybe the fighting is necessary for us now because this situation is a bit messy. What I know is that anger is like fire. It won’t burn you terribly, might only singe the hairs off your arm if you get too close. But if you forget for one second what could happen if you lose control totally, you can lose EVERYTHING. Burn it ALL down. Collateral damage is always possible then; total destruction is always possible.

    To my mind, NO ONE with any hopes of keeping a relationship going lets that fire burn out of control. Gets near it, sure. Lets it burn a bit, sure. Lets it burn high and burn hot, maybe. But lets it have it’s own head? No, no, no.

    (And sometimes I want to say, “how do people NOT know this?”
    It’s like war….people DIE. You avoid war at all costs if you can.
    Real, crazy below-the-belt fighting? Also to be avoided at all costs. Relationships die.
    How can people not be clear about this? I don’t know…).

    Liked by 1 person

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