I was reminded of a conversation I wasn’t supposed to hear today. The conversation took place over forty years ago… One of those family gatherings, the ladies were in the kitchen doing meal prep, men and children told to stay out-of-the-way…
I was in the next room and heard my name mentioned, so I slid over to the doorway to listen…
“Don’t you think Steve is just a little bit smarter than Doug?” grandma said to my mom.
“Now mom, they both get A’s and B’s, so I would say they are about the same! ”
“I don’t know, I still think Steve is just a little smarter!” grandma snipped back.
My brother Steve favors my moms side of the family. His features and hair remind me of Grandma’s first husband. (grandpa died when my mom was a little girl, so I get why grandma might have been just a little more partial to him.) Fortunately for me, I have a good relationship with my mom, and after everyone left that day, I told mom I’d heard the conversation from the other room, we talked about it and mom assured me, she was not one to play favorites.
After that, however, whenever I was with that grandma, to the day she died, I knew she had her favorite, and it wasn’t me. 🙂
We went to hear some live music last night. Talented couple of musicians but by the end of the night, I had had enough. It was all original music, a lot of it written during darker periods of the lead musicians life. He would give the backdrop to the song and after a while I would think to myself…“Not another dark one.”
Told my wife on the way home, “That guy is an angry man.”
Even though he’d written those songs (I am assuming) to help release the pain, it didn’t seem to be working. You could almost feel him trying to suck every little bit of empathy out of us as listeners…
I felt sorry for him.
I thought about those of us that are bloggers today. Some of us, coming out of really painful situations write in an attempt to release the angst. There is something healing that can happen when we share our hearts and a random stranger comes along and enters our pain.
That can be a good thing.
Once in a while I will stumble across a blog that is full of negativity. I don’t stick around.
Where am I going with this?
I’ve been able to process grandma’s crap and can even joke about it now. On the other hand, there is another area of my life I am stuck in, and have been for years…I have another class reunion coming up and I am loath to go. I grew up in small town USA and every five years, I wrestle with whether or not I should go to my class reunion. Most years I end up going, because I think to myself, I am a bigger man than that. I do not want to turn into a small negative person the older I get.
I hesitate to write about it here, because I don’t want to be the negative musician I went to hear last night.
I know the issue is forgiveness. Handful of encounters that continue to play on the loop in my head. No one knows about them but me. I don’t even want to tell you about them.I know the answer..I need to forgive…not for their sakes but for mine.
Any suggestions on effectively bringing closure to old hurts?
What do you do? I am especially interested in hearing about old wounds from your days in school….