Free Floating Angst

As I putter about my kitchen this morning, sauteing freshly picked winter onions from the garden patch,   I have been aware of a “free floating angst.”

I go down a mental check list of things I am  thankful for…


I have work.

I love my job…and have loved it for 40 years.

I have enough work to get me into July, and the building season has just begun.

The Orchard….the apple trees are again in bloom. It feels like I wake up in a park most mornings.


Current evening routine.

We started reading another book together in the evenings.  Larkrise To Candleford by Flora Thompson. Watched the complete series on Amazon Prime, left me wanting more. The series was loosely based off a book, and the writers for BBC stopped midstream, leaving us with lots of unanswered questions 🙂    Ordered a used hardcover copy of the book that we hope to peck away at in the evenings  for the foreseeable future.

Feelings follow thoughts.   Not an absolute rule of human nature, but in general that is how it works.  When I meditate on dark things, it tends to put me into a dark mood.

So, why the angst?

A quick inventory of the stuff sloshing around in my brain this morning include….

Friend A- not acknowledging nor returning my texts.

Friend B- ignoring my counsel, overly suspicious, manipulative and forgetful.

I came across the following quote by Mr Rogers again last night:

     “Forgiveness is a strange thing.  It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends.  It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love.  Like all of life’s important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives…”

In friend A’s case, I plan to get a hold of him today to visit in person.  He has not been his normal self for several months.  We will have a good visit and clear the air, one way or the other.

In friend B’s case, I have made a decision to step back and stop giving input into the situation.  It wasn’t like I was sticking my nose where it didn’t belong, rather, he has asked me my opinion on multiple construction related issues, but he has asked so many people I don’t think he knows who to listen to or trust. I don’t pretend to know all the answers, BUT, this is one of those situations where it is probably best to step back from the roll of construction counselor completely…I think of those of you that are Doctors…if a patient comes to you looking for direction, but refuses to listen, then it’s no longer your monkey…

not my circus not my monkey

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The hard part for me is watching someone ignore your counsel, knowing they are going to be spending ten’s of thousands of dollars needlessly.

Oh, well.

This stuff might sound trivial to you (and on one level it is) but, what concerns me more is how much energy, and peace of mind these two situations have sucked out of my life of late. I seem to be regressing instead of growing in the “life’s important coping skills department.”  For years (ever since first reading Norman Vincent Peale’s book on positive thinking,)  I have prided myself in my ability to keep a good great attitude in situations  that would cause other people around me to grumble or fret.

If I come to mind tomorrow morning, and you believe in this sort of thing, keep me in your prayers.  I am scheduled for an MRI at 9:45.  I think it involves being stuck in one of those tubes. I’ve never had one before and am honestly looking forward to it just a little. (New life experience) 😉  Some people say they get nervous being in a confined space.  I don’t think that will be a problem for me…but something is not quite right with my psa count and my Urologist suggested this is our next step.  DM


7 thoughts on “Free Floating Angst

  1. Thinking good thoughts for you DM. Had an MRI once for my neck…a bit creepy in there cause there’s lots of noise, but I was reassured by the fan blowing air over me during all of it. And I kept my eyes closed 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I shall indeed be thinking of you and hope all goes well. Hopefully they will supply you with ear plugs or even play relaxing music through headphones. Hubby has had two, one the full tube which was noisy, and the second a half moon which was way better. He came out the other end on both occasions with the all clear. Just remember to keep still apparently!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve never had an MRI, but I know several people who have. I think I’d have trouble with the enclosed, just because the thought of doing things like scuba diving makes me nervous: a little touch of claustrophobia, there. But I have been told you have control over the process — if it becomes too much, there’s a button you can push, and out you pop — just like a bun out of the oven!

    I’m hoping all will be fine, and life will get back to whatever passes for normal.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. MRI’s are freaky. BC i had to take drugs to be in one, after Christ, i ask them for christian music and i pray the whole time, pray pray pray, then if that doesnt work, i count, and count and if i lose focus i start over.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I also have a hard time forgiving people but the more I’ve done it the better I’ve gotten at it. I think doing so frees us from carrying all that angst around against them. It takes up too much space in my head. Like you, if someone asks for my advice, I can get a little annoyed when they don’t listen. But sometimes people asking are simply looking for you to mirror back what they already know ~ ultimately the journey is theirs to manage. Doesn’t make it easy to step back from, though.

    I was happy to read in a later post that the MRI gave you good news ~ I have had one before and am scheduled for one later this week – breast MRI with contrast dye -the same dye I am highly allergic to. So I’m less anxious about the confined space (lying face down) than I will be side effects that the alternate contrast is not supposed to have (low risk they say..) ~ Like Kristina, I pray and sing Gospel songs to myself. 16 hours total in the Dentist chair last year for new crowns meant I sang a LOT OF Gospel songs 🙂 Happy Sunday to you! MJ

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just curious, DM– looking back on it, do you think there’s any chance the apprehension about the MRI was REALLY what was bothering you? Like maybe your brain didn’t want to admit that you were really scared– either of the MRI itself (some), but even more likely, that they might find some terrible result (I already know they didn’t so it’s OK to say out loud now, right?)
    I increasingly find that the thing I THINK is worrying me, the thing I am literally “worrying over” like a dog worries over a bone–is not always REALLY the thing that’s bothering me. I worry that my best friend is tired of me…because I’m REALLY worried that my parents are getting old and going downhill and will die one day and I am not sure how best to help them at this point in their life. The parent stuff is the backdrop to what I THINK I am worried about, but then when something happens to clear the latest parent worry, I suddenly find my brain relaxing and not worrying so much about my friend (or whatever). Just curious if that sort of thing could be at play?

    Liked by 1 person

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