Have you ever found yourself (even when you know better) comparing your life to someone else, say one of your siblings, a cousin or a high school classmate?
If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you know I am not chasing after the Almighty Dollar. I’m not motivated by materialism or greed.
(At least I don’t think I am.)
When it comes to money and wealth my mantra could best be summed up by this verse:
“Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have…”
I know better than to go down that path in my head, but it happened again this morning anyway. I needed to drop some scaffolding off at my brothers construction site. As I pulled up to the building, there sat my brothers $25,000 Bobcat skid loader and my uncles $35,000 material lift. (I own nothing like either one of these machines. If I need a skid loader (or a lift,) I will call the rental store and get one for the week to the tune of $850.00. (Honestly, I need those pieces of equipment three or four times a year, and it doesn’t make sense for me to have my own. By the time I would tack on maintenance, repairs, a trailer to haul them, and a truck large enough to tow said trailer, it is a no- brainer.
In spite of what I just told you, When I looked at those two pieces of equipment, a dark, heavy, oppressive cloud of sadness passed through my mind.
It wasn’t just a fleeting thing so I stopped and tried to identify what I was thinking (feeling)
It took me a minute to put into words the “what and why” behind the sad, dark, negative emotions.”
Here is what I discovered:
I secretly equate having my own personal $25,000 Bobcat with being a successful business man. And the fact I don’t own either stirs up thoughts of failure and shame.
I am not the only person who secretly wrestles with this comparison “war.}
(Initially, I was going to call it the “comparison game” but it doesn’t feel like a game/ it’s more like hand to hand mental combat… hence the word “war”)
I know a young man, who battles the same issues ( different specifics) because he has a younger brother who makes more money than him… a lot more. Waves of inferiority periodically washed over his soul as well, but he would never, ever, admit it.
I suspect, this inner poverty fuels many of his life choices.
The main purpose I’m writing about this one today is for little old me. 🙂
I want to bring the little thoughts into the open….
and kill them. 🙂
Dark, negative, things tend to loose their power over me when they are exposed and named.